the most

A couple of years ago, I had found a post on a friend's (now defunct) blog, that really pricked at my heart. The post asked readers to consider these questions:

Is this what you want now or what you want most? There is a very large difference between the two … does this, whatever this is, take you towards what you want now or what you want most? If your most is worth it, then you will change your now.

In reading through everything he wrote and pondering over those questions, so much clarity came from thinking in terms of what I want now versus what I want most in life. There are a lot of hard questions I’ve had to answer over the past year or so, and my answers to those all come back to what I want most … the things I am willing to pursue over other, more immediate things. Those things I want most I am willing to make sacrifices for, because they will bring the most joy to me in the end. There’s a liberation to be found in knowing what you want out of life, what your goals are. It makes all other decisions that much easier to choose when the time comes.

growing up

Do you remember when adults would ask you as a child or teenager, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ No child ever understands that the question is really just about what career he or she wants to pursue. That question is loaded with unintended meaning – whatever career you choose, it defines you in the eyes of society.

When I was about seven years old, my father’s medical school textbooks had entranced me. The world of human physiology and anatomy was mind-blowing and enthralling to me at that age. I decided that I wanted to be a cardiovascular surgeon. I’m fairly certain most adults thought I had no idea what I was talking about. This career dream stayed with me until I was about twelve years old. By then, puberty had started and my adoration for the circulatory system was not interesting to my peers. My dreams began to change. It’s strange how often we look to the opinions of others to dictate the paths we choose in life.

I woke up this morning thinking about what I really want to do with my time, with my life. I want to have that starry-eyed hope of my seven-year-old self. I would hope we could all have that kind of outlook when it comes to life and our potential as individuals being true to ourselves.

alone outside of home

When I was single, I enjoyed my alone time. I went out to fancy restaurants alone; I went to movies, plays, and concerts alone; I went camping by myself; I went on tours and explored large cities and talked to myriads of amazing people, alone. It was fantastic. Although I am more happy with Mr. E and all of our kids than I could ever be otherwise, and time with any one or all of them is time I treasure, I most certainly still enjoy my alone time away from home, whenever I can take it. Learning to enjoy time out of the house by yourself appears to be thought of as a weird thing for any adult who is married or who has kids - certainly, people know you want time away from kids and occasionally your spouse, but usually they anticipate you spending that time with friends or else holed up in your bedroom with a book or whatnot. Going out and doing fun, exciting, beautiful things by yourself every so often is equally important. It's a part of loving yourself. I say this to the many people this week who thought it was a crazy or uncomfortable thing to "take themselves out on a date" in a way. Don't ever feel weird for doing that. Those things will become a part of you, they will feed your joy in life and help you to grow.